Leadership: Self-Centered or Sacrifice of Self?
This topic begins as I'm writing to a client about
the 90-10 rule I use with people/myself.
Here's a typical response after people have been
using the "modified Pareto" principle (90-10) for some time:
"I almost didn't do the important things today, so
many things came up, X happened, Y called me, Z is
in trouble….so I forced myself to do the work"
This is the effortful way to do 90-10--out of each
day spend 10% or 144 minutes doing important stuff,
not the effortless way I suggest below.
First let me say something about "Self and Sacrifice
This idea of sacrifice of self and self-centered
written about by the late Dr. Clare W. Graves. And
if any categorization of people in a single polarity
had to be advanced as a tool, I'd pick this one.
It's actually an extraordinarily complex dichotomy,
but I'm going to make it simple here.
As a sacrifice of self person, you will most often put others needs
before yours...and because this "aids in avoiding
things you don't want to do," others actually steal
from you, and they do it with your permission, it's
the greatest unconscious con game of all!
Again, 90.10 works best when you do the "10" before
Here's what I personally do as a agentic self
(centered), rather than as a communal sacrifice of
Over time, as the "10" became more important in my
progress to Pareto at 80/20 (the ultimate goal<G>),
I started getting up early before anyone else, like
I'm writing to you now at 6:30 am in the morning,
but I've already done my "10%" for today and my
important stuff is over, so now I can spend time
doing my next level priority, like helping you and
others. (BTW, this shifted a lifetime (45 years)
circadian rhythm of being an OWL, for a ROOSTER, I
think they call early birds.)
This isn't so easy at first, but it's easier long
term because your important stuff is done first, then no
matter what happens with the other part of the day,
I don't have to "work" hard (effortful) to get it in, hence it's
effortless, rather than effortful. You see, you
can't leave the "effort" out either way!
it's easy, one ways it's not--you choose.
The key is to get others to support you when you are
sacrifice of self…
(and this is no easy task, because
it requires directness which is not usually going to
happen at sacrifice of self, as SOS people are more
indirect, unless you "activate" them, then they can
get real direct, and mean too!)
Actual Example of what I shared with a client:
So, here's how: you cut off your girlfriend a
little, leave a little early from dad's birthday,
talk a little less to your troubled friend and by
harvesting a few minutes from each person and
TELLING THEM WHY, so they WILL support you, you have
your time back, they don't steal it from you, even
though like in a "con" you give it to them.
|Client quote a
week after reading my note on the above:
was a challenge to limit the time I
spend with other people. I have to keep
remembering to offer quality time, and
Next week, I'll tell you about the "con" that I was
involved in Colombia when I first met my wife Laura, our
first Saturday together in the Zona Rosa
A con is where other people get YOU to willingly
give something to them of value...that's what I see
happening all the time with sacrifice of self
Until next week, where I reveal the "con" and how
critical it is for people to understand how most
people are "conned" every day unknowingly!
time to reach my inner circle….
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