Leadership: Self-Centered or Sacrifice of Self?

This topic begins as I'm writing to a client about the 90-10 rule I use with people/myself.

Here's a typical response after people have been using the "modified Pareto" principle (90-10) for some time:

"I almost didn't do the important things today, so many things came up, X happened, Y called me, Z is in trouble….so I forced myself to do the work"

This is the effortful way to do 90-10--out of each day spend 10% or 144 minutes doing important stuff, not the effortless way I suggest below.

First let me say something about "Self and Sacrifice of Self."

This idea of sacrifice of self and self-centered dichotomies was written about by the late Dr. Clare W. Graves. And if any categorization of people in a single polarity had to be advanced as a tool, I'd pick this one. It's actually an extraordinarily complex dichotomy, but I'm going to make it simple here.

As a sacrifice of self person, you will most often put others needs before yours...and because this "aids in avoiding things you don't want to do," others actually steal from you, and they do it with your permission, it's the greatest unconscious con game of all!

Again, 90.10 works best when you do the "10" before anything else.

Here's what I personally do as a agentic self (centered), rather than as a communal sacrifice of self person.

Over time, as the "10" became more important in my progress to Pareto at 80/20 (the ultimate goal<G>), I started getting up early before anyone else, like I'm writing to you now at 6:30 am in the morning, but I've already done my "10%" for today and my important stuff is over, so now I can spend time doing my next level priority, like helping you and others. (BTW, this shifted a lifetime (45 years) circadian rhythm of being an OWL, for a ROOSTER, I think they call early birds.)

This isn't so easy at first, but it's easier long term because your important stuff is done first, then no matter what happens with the other part of the day, I don't have to "work" hard (effortful) to get it in, hence it's effortless, rather than effortful. You see, you can't leave the "effort" out either way! One way it's easy, one ways it's not--you choose.

The key is to get others to support you when you are sacrifice of self…

(and this is no easy task, because it requires directness which is not usually going to happen at sacrifice of self, as SOS people are more indirect, unless you "activate" them, then they can get real direct, and mean too!)

Actual Example of what I shared with a client:

So, here's how: you cut off your girlfriend a little, leave a little early from dad's birthday, talk a little less to your troubled friend and by harvesting a few minutes from each person and TELLING THEM WHY, so they WILL support you, you have your time back, they don't steal it from you, even though like in a "con" you give it to them.

Client quote a week after reading my note on the above:

"Again it was a challenge to limit the time I spend with other people. I have to keep remembering to offer quality time, and not quantity."

Next week, I'll tell you about the "con" that I was involved in Colombia when I first met my wife Laura, our first Saturday together in the Zona Rosa District....in Bogota!

A con is where other people get YOU to willingly give something to them of value...that's what I see happening all the time with sacrifice of self people.

Until next week, where I reveal the "con" and how critical it is for people to understand how most people are "conned" every day unknowingly!

Still time to reach my inner circle….

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